Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Oreos and Milk Done Right

For far too long, I've held an absolutely essential piece of knowledge—a life skill that every person should have—and I've failed to share it with the world.  Today I repent of that, beg your forgiveness, and offer reparation by sharing with you now this critical information.  Today, I want to tell you the proper way to eat Oreos with milk.

It goes without saying that in order to accomplish this, you'll need Oreos, milk, and a cup or mug to contain the milk.  But lest we assume too much, let me clarify some things.
  • These instructions assume you can eat an entire Oreo in one mouthful.  If you can't, you're clearly not built for eating Oreos and should probably take up Veggie Straws or something else instead.
  • Don't use a cup or mug that's too small.  You need at least a depth of milk sufficient to completely submerge the cookie.  And you need enough width in your container to do the same.
  • Don't use skim milk.  The higher the fat content of the milk, the better.  I strongly suggest whole milk.  And don't use warm milk.  You want your milk as cold as possible.  If, when you pour your milk, it looks like Elmer's white glue and chills the hand that holds your cup or mug, that's a good sign.
  • Don't use fake Oreos.  Seriously.  I'm all for generic brands of most things, but ... no.
Okay, on to the life-changing instructions.

First, grasp an Oreo cookie between your thumb and forefinger, with each making contact on one of the Oreo logos on either side of the cookie.  (If you don't see an Oreo logo, you're using fake Oreos.  And I literally just told you not to do that.)  Put some real pressure on the cookie with your fingers—not enough to crush it, but pretty close to it.  Now, submerge the Oreo completely in the milk while maintaining this pressure.  Yes, your fingers are going to get wet—deal with it.

All this might sound pretty obvious, but as any seasoned Oreo-milk-dunker knows, the trick is figuring out how long to keep the cookie submerged.  And you might be wondering why must we maintain this solid finger pressure on the cookie.  After all, they hardly weigh anything and are unlikely to attempt to escape our grasp on their own.

The answer lies in the sheer importance of getting these two seemingly incompatible foods—one a natural byproduct by which nearly all mammals are initially nursed; the other a completely unnatural, highly processed junk food—to unite properly at or near the molecular level[*].  If your Oreo is in the milk for too short a time, then what was the point?  You're merely eating a damp Oreo.  But to linger for too long will have you watching your disintegrating cookie's disparate parts sinking out of sight into the milky white abyss.

As it turns out, the pressure you're putting on those Oreo logos gives you all the tactile feedback you need to know exactly when to remove the cookie from the milk.  As soon as that logo begins a crush a bit under your firm-but-non-damaging bit of finger pressure, the time is right.  Remove the cookie from the milk, shove it into your awaiting mouth, and rejoice as you've never rejoiced before.

Once again, this is not for those who lack a certain degree of fortitude.  Your thumb and forefinger will get wet with milk.  They will also pick up the debris of the crushed Oreo logos.  You'll have to open your mouth a bit wider than high society might advise.  Sometimes, doing things properly involves some risk-taking.  This is such a time.

Now, there's no need to e-mail me your thanks.  It's my great pleasure to serve my fellow man in this way, sharing the results of my years of experimentation in this field.  My hope is simply that you'll do the same.

Oh!  But I nearly forgot the final step in the instructions:  grab another cookie and repeat!

[*] No real scientists were consulted while authoring this article.